250710-3

As I set the ring down one last time...I realised how much you still mean to me, even after what have happened.

______________

/_____________/|

| + | |

| Here lies a | |

| dead heart| |

| from a failed | |

| relationship| |

| 2008-2010 | |

|_____________|_|

Bah.

250710-2

Do not lose sight. Look up, stay strong. Believe in yourself.

250710

Few hours to book in.

Its "great" to be out of camp. Finally can let my body rest from the physical exercise.

But then, this gives the mind time to wander. A wandering mind in my case is not good. Still hung up on the past, hung up on what I've (not) done. This shall be my secret diary that nobody but me knows about.

At least there're friends in camp to take my mind off the past. Exactly 2 months.

"Oh fair maiden, how I wish you were single. Least I have a try at your heart. But I know we can never be, for our beliefs conflict."

I once had a choice between i and s. I chose wrong

Thee lonely mind hath the ability to wreck havoc on thous mind.

110710

Last cv day before reporting back to ns. plc at 8 tomorrow.

new life resolution:

1. do not say no to anything, unless anything is stupid

2. must show more resiliance

3. do not use verbal/ mental abuse against others

*Edit*

it is now 180710. Fotgot to publish post. So far so good. havent lost anything yet. dont intend to.

new bunk, new attitude, new me

090710

A lot of things have changed since the last time I posted here.

I am no longer the same person I was.

Currently, I have been posted to SCS... quite surprising considering my attitude and what I've done for the past 2 months .

During BMT, they made us do reflections on our BMT lives, I dreaded it. I never expected I'd do one out of my own will now:

My CSM taught me a lesson in week 1 of BMT. Trust, being soft, was no way to go. We had to be forceful to get things done. "If I could, I would walk over to the next person I see and piss all over him."

I am no longer the same person I was as compared to 2 months ago. The cocky, self confident Ben is no longer. Sadly, the tendency to piss people off hasn't gone away. In the midst of BMT, I began to doubt myself, question myself. I began to wonder why I was here, what I was doing and so on and so forth.

Since week 3, I began to do retrospections on my life so far. Being the buddy of a national triathlete has made me realise how unfit I am. 10.15 for 2.4 vs his 7.57. Also, the pain in my left arm(think I might have injured it) during chin ups has forced me to do under-graft method instead. I looked at my driver/storeman/medic friends, there was a longing. Do I want to slack? I think I do.

During one of the the interview sessions, I was asked "why do you want to be a leader". I honestly have no idea. For a slacker future? For fun? Because I wanted to? Bragging rights? Peer pressure? Balls. I have no freaking idea. (Some)People expect me to be a leader. The pressure has caused me to wonder, do I want to be a leader? Or do I want to please/ answer to the people around me.

I'm lost, and I don't know what I do. Escaping is not the way to go. Time to face up to reality. I owe her an answer. I owe myself answers.

*Edit*

I think its the stress. And nagging.

*Edit 2*

Yup, lost confidence in myself